sparkly shiny people

i can't believe it's been almost a month since i've posted!  i have like 20 saved posts that i haven't finished ... written in all manner of foul and stinky moods ... and then i go back to them a day or so later and am not feeling it, so i never post them.  and so i thought it was time to actually post something today.  you know, for like the .5 readers i have anyway.  :o)

so ... what's been going on in my life?  well, dave and i got ENGAGED.  yep.  i know, you're shocked.  ;o)  we haven't made any definitive plans ... but we were thinking about a nice NEXT june or july wedding.  right now, i am just enjoying being in this limbo state where there is no pressure and nothing to do except kick around ideas and staring at my ring in various lighting to see where i get the best sparkle!  :o)

(mah bling)

i had a bit of a freak out period, of course.  i was extremely anxious about "taking the plunge" again.  i was worried that we would get married and things would instantly turn into yuckiness.  worried about joining everything and the expense of a wedding and then failure again.  but ... i've relaxed a bit ... and am just trusting my instincts (against MY better judgement!!! my track record SUCKS), the opinions of those around me and God.  it's extremely hard to do this ... but i'm too tired to worry anymore!

and so ... we are getting married.  we have a joint checking account.  he let me get hello kitty checks.  he bought me QUITE a ring.  he rubs my stinky work feet.  :)  he must really love me, right???

so ... what else?  work is ... the same.  i have stressful days ... and i have days where i love my job.  i am convinced that H is plotting to get rid of me ... but, hey, all i can do is my best and see what happens.  and i am trying my best.  i love my store and my people.  i am trying very hard to roll out and follow all the corporate baloney.  and i am counting down the days until i can demote myself to bookseller!  LOL.  oh well.  all i can do is take it one day at a time.

my etsy shop is collecting dust.  i am really into amigurumi ... and have great ideas ... but am too tired by the time i get home from work to really do anything but sit in front of the tv and whine (and wine :P).  and a day off these days doesn't necessarily equal sleeping in and relaxing.  i am ... craftually frustrated.  i am thisclose to just buying crafty things from etsy and claiming them as mine.  lol.  no, not really.  i could never do that.  but it's BAD when i am actually entertaining that thought.

hmmm.  i am trying to loose weight.  i am eating better and have cut out a lot of crap.  but the weight is hanging on and frustrating the heck out of me.  but, the way i see it is, unless i make a "life change" and not just "go on a diet" ... i will be carrying around this extra stuff forever.  so i am trying to focus more on just being *relatively healthy* rather than "INEEDTOLOOSEAMILLIONPOUNDSBYJULY".  so there is that.  lol.  think i'll go have a pudding now.  hehe.

i am working hard at staying organized.  keeping my home pretty clean and clutter-free.  i try to do a little each day so that i don't wake up one morning and the dishes and laundry are threatening to attack.  i do a little straightening, a little cleaning each day ... and try to stay afloat.  dave is a HUGE help (which still shocks my soul!) and helps with the money and budget ... it's just amazing living an adult life with a true partner and not just someone is along for the ride. :)  ok, so maybe i AM making the right decision for a change! ;o)

and that's about it.  taking a vacation day tomorrow and spending it with dave and his mum.  going to try and find a fancy dress for noelle's wedding and the bat mitzvah the week after.  trying to live the best i can each day ... and not let the daily crankiness and stress take me over.  :)

it's all good! :)

chocolate overload

hello all.  things are good here in the world of jessica.  easter was a lot of fun.  we had the whole family at my grandfather's house and we just had a blast.  and now we have WAY too much candy in the house. XD  i am doing SO poorly at eating well.  the bridesmaid dress on the bedroom door is taunting me each night.  i don't know WHAT to do.  bleh.  i need lock-jaw, i think.

work is good.  i went to west patterson last night to help out at their inventory and had a great time.  really cool staff and store.  and i really got a feel for a good, smooth inventory ... and, again, what H is looking for in a store.  i went to work today recharged and with a renewed perspective.  and i got a lot done.  looking forward to doing more tomorrow!  lol.  i am a geek!  :o)

haven't crocheted much since easter took over ... but i am looking forward to starting something new again tonight or tomorrow.

now i am in my favorite place (couch) watching tv (idol) and debating on sewing or just vegging.  and there MAY be a chocolate cadbury egg in my future.

yup.

sometimes the kawaii images i find online are too perfect for words.  lol.  this is EXACTLY the way i've been feeling lately.  boss visit at the bookstore on wednesday just totally fried my brain and ate away a little part of my soul.  i came home and slept and then drank my troubles away.  yesterday was better but i did have another bad spell before bed.  i'm SURE the pms wasn't helping matters ... but i just really felt so low and defeated.  boss is very demanding and nit-picky.  just feel overwhelmed and not qualified.

musings on the real world*

* not the tv show.  i mean the REAL real world.

and so as my vacation nears the end ... i've been thinking about work ... and what i am going back to.  i work in a bookstore.  i manage a bookstore.  a corporate-run bookstore.  as far as jobs go ... and industries go ... it's really really not a bad gig.  but i just wonder why this all  stresses me out the way it does.  i definitely don't hate it at all ... and i work with some of the best people.  when i worked at the staffing agency, i used to pull into the parking lot and sit there, willing my legs to carry me into the building.  i used to get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and used to think up ways i could "get out".  and i never feel that way towards the bookstore.  But.  i am not happy.  well, not ... unhappy.  but ... there are a lot of times that my stress level is thru the roof.  i worry about being a good manager, supporting and teaching my staff.  i suppose a lot of managers feel that way.  i think i would be a much better assistant manager ... i told dave today i think i prefer to be a worker bee ... and not the hbic.

but then i think about my job ... and what i have to actually do ... and i wonder why i feel this way.  sure there are stressors ... there is in every job.  but do i put a lot of this stress on myself or is it really there?

dave and i looked at a house today ... and i can't believe how excited and hopeful i am ... how hopeful we are at this prospect and for our future.  but we would never be able to even consider this without my job.  not matter how much i craft and crochet ... we could not consider a house without my salary.  and again, my job is NOT BAD.  so why can't i reconcile all of the pros and cons and stop ... wishing for an out?  :/

*sigh* i think i have to learn how to take things a little easier.  figure out how to keep things in perspective.  work hard but then enjoy my time off and stop stressing at home.  i have to (for some reason) remind myself that WORK is a natural part of life and stop wishing for an instant miracle to happen and be able to stay home and crochet for a living (cuz that isn't gonna happen).

holy crap days off with Dave are fun! :)

today was just the best day!  dave couldn't take much time off this week, so we canceled our toronto trip idea and even scrapped the nyc and atlantic city plans.  i had to go to staten island this week for my "secret shopper" thingy so we decided to do that at least today.  since i am a dork, i actually enjoy going to other barnes and nobles to see how they are laid out and merchandised.  and since my store is small and without cafe or music, i also like getting a latte and wandering the aisles, shopping the gift department or listening to some cds.  and my beloved is a dork as well, so he was equally excited about spending time in a bookstore and our "secret mission".  he took to secret shopping like an actor to a stage.  he helped me out and reported back all the pertinent information like how clean the men's room was and who said what to whom in the music department.  he even offered to go in costume and wear a monocle.  this is why i love this boy! :)

so anyway, we went to staten island.  since we didn't go away, we spent the money we would have on a room on coffee, music and books instead (you would SWEAR we hadn't been in a bookstore in months! ;).  afterward, we stopped at carrabba's for a yummy appetizer, drinks and quite an involved conversation on work, titles and pay rates.  we came home to shakeys to just shoot for an hour ... but then dave messed with my grip and it was all over.  first i wanted to shoot so i could master the better grip ... then i started to get the hang of things and i couldn't stop.  i WANTED to beat him!!!  lol.  i didn't beat him but i did shoot pretty well.  let's hope this continues into tomorrow.

we FINALLY left shakeys (sans car again!) and came home to my mittens kitty, american idol, and ate our take-out lamb stew and corned beef on the couch. :)  now dave is reading his new Zombie Comics book, the life aquatic is on tv, and, once i am done with typing this i am going to do a little crocheting. :)  yay to days off and time spent with dave!!! :)

oh what a night ...

work was good and productive.  i freaked out a bit when i realized my reviews are due on monday ... i lost yesterday to snow and friday and saturday to being sick ... so i am a little behind.  but ... i am not TOTALLY freaking out ... yet.  LOL.  yeah, this is the new calm, cool and collected jessica! ;o) and this will last just about until sunday night when the real freak out occurs. ;)

dave made a pot roast tonight that was just amazing.  i am SO full.  even mittens enjoyed a little taste! :)  we watched american idol ... and i crocheted some more.  i got the skirt finished on my break today at work and then it took me all night to make one little arm!!!  i really struggled with the back post single crochet.  but now that i know the general idea of how to do it ... i hope the next arm won't take as long.  then comes the face.  i actually thought today of making her a little girl doll instead of an amigurumi animal ... or making a little bonnet for the head ... not sure what direction i am going to take it.  i don't have to decide just yet ... still have another ARM to finish!!!  arg!

off tomorrow ... coffee with mom planned ... laundry ... a little cleaning ... i should bake for maria's little party tomorrow but i am just not feeling cookies tho.  maybe cupcakes?  we will have to see!

alrighty i am gonna start the other arm before bed ... wish me luck!

creepin' on.

feeling slightly better ... but it's hard to tell when all you've done for 3 days is sleep.  but, i suppose if i am sleeping this much, i needed it, right?

went to work this morning just to open.  when the mid manager came in, everyone sent me home.  so home i went, nyquil i took, sleep i did.  i was a little tired because, apparently, when i am sick, i am not as sound a sleeper as i usually am ... and dave's snoring kept me up all night.  i would try to wake him up to have him roll over ... and he started babbling about spreadsheets and work-stuff and how "it's not going to work."  lol.  it's funny now ... but a little frustrating at the time.

i worked for a like a minute on a amigurumi project ... i am hoping to get a little more done tonight after dinner.  i have a few cute ideas ... i just have to EXECUTE them.  but hopefully with being so sedentary these last few days, i will feel better and be able to do something tomorrow.  i should be back in action (i hope!!!) by monday. :)

it's been kinda nice, tho, doing nothing.  observing, dreaming, tuning out totally when i feel too overwhelmed.  i feel a little ... revived.  a little ... more me again?  i think i let work so totally take me over that i loose myself ... my creativity ... i loose ME.  but i am feeling a little more together ... and that makes me feel better (despite the cold!).  maybe i needed this cold/hibernation after my total-stress-out earlier this week.

and now i sit on the couch ... watching any NCIS, Law and Order, or House i can find. :)