home.

we just returned from a visit with w. i can't express enough how relaxing and recharging it was. i crocheted for 13 hours thursday!! that sure is my idea of heaven! :) i made a super cute cat and am just trying to figure out the whiskers and then it will be photographed tomorrow and up for sale in the shop soon! :) i am SO PROUD of this cat. it turned out exactly as i had hoped. i am adapting my pattern to create THE ONE ... and i think i just about got it. it's an amazing feeling to begin creating something ... and to finish it and be SO pleased with how it turned out. :) i also did some sleeping, some reading, some visiting with w and his amazing family ... and just sat with dave and w and listened to their amazing brains. the conversations these two have!!! :) i also did a lot of thinking. i am discovering some things about myself and my attitude toward life. and i think i need to make some serious changes.

it's hard now because we are living in a one bedroom apartment ... but when we do find a house, i need to create a cozy space. i need to create a "den" ... in the sense that i create a space where i feel cozy, safe and isolated ... removed from the world. being in my apartment, i am comfortable here ... dave and i have made our space great. but it's very ... smushed. work space blends with kitchen space blends with tv space blends with sleeping space. i look forward to a time where i can go into a room with knitting needles and yarn and you will actually have to go LOOK for me. spending time in w's amazing home, he's really created places where you can just burrow away and read or create ... and just feel like the world is a million miles away. i told him i consider his home my artist's retreat. he calls it the "haven" and it is certainly that. :) i am blessed to have met this wonderful person (and not just because he has an amazing home!!) :)

i also let the world affect my head WAY to much. home has not become the haven i remember from my childhood. again, don't misunderstand, our apartment is amazing and coming home to dave and mittens has made my life. but i don't let the world fall away like i once did. as i get older, i worry more. i pick at things more. i let past unhappiness creep into a perfectly good day. when i come home and kiss dave hello and am greeted by mittens at the door, i want to totally forget the customer who yelled at me because i won't take back their item. and i want to NEVER let the past ruin a perfectly good day.

i say it over and over again ... but i need to relax. i am lucky because my work stress level has decreased significantly ... but i still carry that worry on my shoulders. i am blessed because i have an amazing fiance ... but continue to last the past creep up and scare me ... while also waiting for the other shoe to drop and have this relationship explode in my face. i just keep ... waiting ... for the bad ... and i don't want to live my life that way at all. that is a horrible waste of perfectly good days! bad stuff will happen and i will have my family, my friends and my faith to sustain me. i did it before. why can't i trust in that ... and not let all this crap crowd and color my days?

but.

i am relaxed. my home is comfy and clean. i am creating. i've had a few sales. the holidays are upon us (and i am just ITCHING to play a charlie brown christmas in my car!!). oh and i have the best family and friends a girl can ask for. it doesn't get any better than this. so, dang it, jessica, let yourself enjoy this!! :)

relax.

vacation was amazing. two and half weeks off replenished my soul like i can't even explain. before the wedding i felt like i could just loose it and harm someone at work. i would sleep and wake up tired. my home was a mess and life was just overwhelming me. but these past 17 days off have made me feel like a human again.

first was kyle and jen's wedding. what a beautiful bride and an amazing couple they make. everything basically went off without a hitch and we all had a lot of fun.

its so strange to think that my little brother is married ... is a husband ... has a wife ... has his own home ... it blows my mind actually! but i am so happy for them ... i love jen like a sister and friend ... they make just the best couple ... and i pray SO hard that they live the happily ever after. they both deserve it.

next up with our vacation. we spent a week in plum island and then 2 days in boston. we had a truly amazing time. we both needed to decompress and relax very badly. and once we did, we reconnected and had just the best time. we slept late, spent time on the beach, did a little exploring, ate like pigs, read, shopped, talked, planned ... boston was gorgeous and once again i dreamt about moving there. it's definately something that we talked about ... but moving so far from family and his theater just isn't an option unfortunately. but we loved the visit just the same.

i also had a lot of fun with my new camera (as if you couldn't tell! :p)

*sigh!* it was all heaven. the following week we bummed around, was extremely lazy (which felt SO decadent! and SO amazing!). i finished up my turtle Ami from the Roxycraft pattern ... and created my own pattern for a piggie. she still needs some tweaking ... but came out cute all the same.

i've hesitated signing up for the craft show this september because i don't have any vacation time left and i am unsure what my inventory will look like ... but dave encouraged me to do it ... so i think i will drop the check off today. a little nervous about that ... but ... well ... at least that gives me a goal.

i did a lot of life thinking these past 2 weeks. it's time i put aside any residual fears and start planning this wedding. my life seriously needs a little discipline. i need to loose some weight (stop eating SO MUCH garbage!!! you don't feel well afterwards anyway!!). i need to stop whining and just get things done. i need to relax at work and stop putting so much stress on myself. i just need a little structure. a little more focus. and maybe, somehow, a few more breaks from work to keep this perspective. i swear people would be more productive if they had a week off after every 6 or so weeks they worked. i know i would be. i was useless before kyle's wedding.

anyway ... i just want to work really hard at life. i don't want to overdo it ... but i just want to stop being so lazy and lamenting the fact that i never have time. i will be even busier when i have children ... i need to learn how to squeeze the most from a day now!!

i know it's only wednesday but i have spent a whole two days on my cleaning schedule. i am getting things done. i couldn't sleep anymore so, instead of laying in bed playing video games (which isn't bad SOME of the time ... but not ALL of the time), i got up, made coffee (still working on achieving that perfect cup ...), wrote this post and will crochet until i have to get in the shower. dave and i are eating at home. i am bringing lunch. i am watching my calories. i love love LOVE doing nothing, relaxing, etc ... but i crave a little structure. i blame my mom for that!!! :p

and i am doing a lot of thinking about my crafts ... and i really really want to work hard on them. i want to create a strong etsy presence ... i just have to figure out what direction to go in. but that is my goal for the rest of the year ... to really really focus and work hard to get this baby off the ground!!! :o)