home.

we just returned from a visit with w. i can't express enough how relaxing and recharging it was. i crocheted for 13 hours thursday!! that sure is my idea of heaven! :) i made a super cute cat and am just trying to figure out the whiskers and then it will be photographed tomorrow and up for sale in the shop soon! :) i am SO PROUD of this cat. it turned out exactly as i had hoped. i am adapting my pattern to create THE ONE ... and i think i just about got it. it's an amazing feeling to begin creating something ... and to finish it and be SO pleased with how it turned out. :) i also did some sleeping, some reading, some visiting with w and his amazing family ... and just sat with dave and w and listened to their amazing brains. the conversations these two have!!! :) i also did a lot of thinking. i am discovering some things about myself and my attitude toward life. and i think i need to make some serious changes.

it's hard now because we are living in a one bedroom apartment ... but when we do find a house, i need to create a cozy space. i need to create a "den" ... in the sense that i create a space where i feel cozy, safe and isolated ... removed from the world. being in my apartment, i am comfortable here ... dave and i have made our space great. but it's very ... smushed. work space blends with kitchen space blends with tv space blends with sleeping space. i look forward to a time where i can go into a room with knitting needles and yarn and you will actually have to go LOOK for me. spending time in w's amazing home, he's really created places where you can just burrow away and read or create ... and just feel like the world is a million miles away. i told him i consider his home my artist's retreat. he calls it the "haven" and it is certainly that. :) i am blessed to have met this wonderful person (and not just because he has an amazing home!!) :)

i also let the world affect my head WAY to much. home has not become the haven i remember from my childhood. again, don't misunderstand, our apartment is amazing and coming home to dave and mittens has made my life. but i don't let the world fall away like i once did. as i get older, i worry more. i pick at things more. i let past unhappiness creep into a perfectly good day. when i come home and kiss dave hello and am greeted by mittens at the door, i want to totally forget the customer who yelled at me because i won't take back their item. and i want to NEVER let the past ruin a perfectly good day.

i say it over and over again ... but i need to relax. i am lucky because my work stress level has decreased significantly ... but i still carry that worry on my shoulders. i am blessed because i have an amazing fiance ... but continue to last the past creep up and scare me ... while also waiting for the other shoe to drop and have this relationship explode in my face. i just keep ... waiting ... for the bad ... and i don't want to live my life that way at all. that is a horrible waste of perfectly good days! bad stuff will happen and i will have my family, my friends and my faith to sustain me. i did it before. why can't i trust in that ... and not let all this crap crowd and color my days?

but.

i am relaxed. my home is comfy and clean. i am creating. i've had a few sales. the holidays are upon us (and i am just ITCHING to play a charlie brown christmas in my car!!). oh and i have the best family and friends a girl can ask for. it doesn't get any better than this. so, dang it, jessica, let yourself enjoy this!! :)