Friday, April 3, 2009

well after yesterday's bumpy ride i feel i am slowly recovering me again. the past reared it's ugly head in a big way but i am dealing and burying it all over again. kinda weird and trippy when your past and present collide, you know? but the past is a past for a reason ... and it's over ... so lets move forward again and not dwell. still kinda reeling tho ... which makes me so mad. lord life is hard and strange. blows my mind when i think about how close we were and how a single action can burst that bubble so completely and totally. crazy to think about that life ... and how long ago it was. imagine a life lived so totally ... a future planned out so hopeful ... a friend and partner known so completely (or so i thought) ... and then having the proverbial rug pulled out from under you ... and being strangers from here on out? it's just ... so ... odd. and then you live ... you go forward ... you try to heal and cover up the scars the best you can ... and then, suddenly, the person that caused you so much pain and ended a certain life stands in front of you asking about your life? your family? people you knew together? commenting on the weather? how ... stranger and angering.
and so, i cried. and hid. and drowned those surfaced sorrows again. i was shocked at the pain and the ... strange normalcy. i thought i was done crying. dealing with the damaged insides. being mad and sad over someone who really, when you think about it all, didn't deserve any of me. and today i got on like i have been trying to do these last few years. and i looked over at the person sleeping next to me and was thankful all over again. weird how you can be thankful for pain. but, because of that pain, i am here. and i can't believe how lucky my life is for now. i worry about this same chain of event happening all over again ... but, really, all i can do is be thankful for the happiness and love i am surrounded in right now ... and know that, if it dies too ... i was loved for a little while.

i made her today ... and love how she came out. bad phone pic ... i know ... but i didn't have patience for the real camera at 2:30am. she is cute tho, isn't she? betty the berry i have christened her! :)

and now, onto another day ...

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